Ferret Farming
by faite-comme-moi
Summary: College student Eddie Masen is missing, so his sister Alice hires a Private Investigator to find him. Taking the case, Jasper Whitlock finds he has too much information about the illegal trade in aminal body fluids.M for bad jokes, bad words, lemonstuff
1. Adorably Fuzzy

**This chapter was a one-shot for The Sparkle and the Snark-Filled Twilight Humor Contest. Thanks to Pastiche Pen for hosting the contest and giving me a reason to start thinking about ferret jokes in the first place. Thanks also to mellyfrisco6 for cheerleading and helliex88 for being the best sort of friend: the sort that tells you the truth when you ask for it.**

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**Ferret Farming**

Jasper

"It's my brother," she sobbed, wiping her baby blues with delicate hanky corners. "He's disappeared."

I shoved the tissue box closer to her. No way was that tiny piece of fabric going to last long.

_Why do I always get the crying dames?_ _What about the Lauren Bacall hair-in-her-face you-know-how-to-whistle babes?_

I made a mental note to start factoring tissue costs into my fee.

"When was the last time you saw him?" I inquire, trying to look as interested in her story as her body. Trying not to focus solely on the appealing way her knees bounce together softly as she sobs. Flawlessly rounded calves are capped by dimples perfectly sized for the flat of my tongue, syncopating _together, apart, together, apart_ to reveal just a sliver of lacey darkness….

"Two days ago." A feisty blow furls the hanky.

_She's a tiny thing_. The back corner of my mind considers what a good sign that volume of lung power could be.

I lean back in my desk chair, appraising her while waiting for her tears to stall.

First of all, are we sure the tears are genuine?

Natch, I answer myself. No self-respecting broad blows her shnozz like that in front of a guy if she can help it. Maybe if I was 30 years older than her and gone to seed. And I ain't that.

"You're sure he's not holed up somewhere sleeping it off?"

Her sobs dwindle to sniffles; she's ready to talk some more. "That's what the police said." Her voice assumes a husky, obviously mocking, condescension, "Pshaw! Kids these days get a wild hair 'nd decide to go off 'to find themselves'. You watch, little lady. He'll be home before you know it with stories about waking up in a Tijuana whorehouse."

More tears spill, fresh rivulets squeezed out by black fringe. Her cheeks are flushed with emotion, her bosom now hypnotizing me with heaving ups and downs.

I'm beginning to feel flush myself in a far different part of my geography.

_Concentrate, Jasper_.

"What makes you think they're wrong?"

Her chin flies upward as her eyes flash fire. "He's not like that, Mr. Whitlock. He's a good boy who looks after our mother. Not an evening goes by that he doesn't check in with Mom to let her know where he's at. To see if she needs anything. "

_She's a sparky little thing, too_. I'm tempted to make her scold me again.

I light a stogie, drawing a hard puff to mask my amusement. Even 'good boys' have been known to do things that are 'not like that' once they hit college.

I rush to reassure her, flashing a conciliatory smile, "No harm meant. Just that, in my line of work, sometimes we go looking for folks that aren't exactly lost. What's your theory about where he is?"

"Well, isn't that why I'm here? If we had been able to find him in the usual places we certainly would not need you."

_Yep, that ire has a satisfying smack_. "No need to feel defensive, Ms. Masen. It's my job to ask even obvious questions. Where was he when you saw him last?"

"He dropped by my job on Tuesday. I work in lady's lingerie at Nordstrom's. He just….wasn't himself, you know? Eddie's never jittery and agitated like that. He swore that nothing was wrong so I figured he'd been taking Adderall or something for exams again. He's always so particular about his grades." Parallel pools of blue sorrow search my eyes for understanding. "I had all these customers so I told him I'd talk to him later." She blows her nose again, not as stridently this time. "I didn't know there wasn't going to be a later."

"Any chance he was up to anything shady? Maybe not quite on the up and up?" My cigar may as well be a lollipop. I'm working it hard.

"Well…" her voice trails off.

The side of me that will never be a gentleman rejoices. It looks as if some light coercion is in order.

I lean closer, dropping my head to establish and hold her eyes. "I can help you find him. But I'm gonna need you to trust me. What are you not telling me?"

She begins to wring the hanky, giving the cloth a thorough working over that makes me squirm in my chair more than a little. Torment rages across her porcelain features until her body stiffens, signaling her decision made. "Ferrets," she whispers, her eyes steadfast on the bit of linen.

"Beg your pardon?" I inquire in confusion.

She continues in a stronger voice. "He kept saying crazy things about 'ferret sperm' and 'all that money' and stuff that didn't make any sense. That's why I told him he needed to go." Renewed tears ensue. "He was scaring the customers."

Shaking my head back and forth, I begin,"You'll have to forgive me, Ms. Masen…"

"Call me Alice," she sniffs.

"Alice…but I'm not following…"

"FER-RET SPER-M," she enunciates painstakingly. The way you speak to those 1-800 yahoos you have to call for help with your cable service but don't speak clear English. "My brother was selling ferret sperm."

"How would he…? Whoa, wait; forget that. Never mind." Still befuddled, I realize I'm thinking aloud.

Mortified by the unbidden image of fuzzy hand jobs for jizz collection, I hit that stogie hard again, wondering how much porn I'll have to watch to purge _that _particular graphic.

My mouth continues to spew idiocy without consulting my brain first. "There's a market for ferret spunk?"

She shrugs, an erotically dainty gesture. "They're adorably fuzzy pets."

~i~

Alice wasn't especially helpful at supplying leads, knowing the names of only two of her brother's friends. In fact, Eddie's only friends work with him at one of the university's research labs. I'll have to wait 'til after lunch to speak to them.

That makes my first order of business easy: visit my former landlord. Lucky for me I used to rent a room above Ventura's Pet-o-Rama.

10:00 A.M.

It's been 30 minutes since Alice left my office.

Eddie has been missing for 37 hours.

A chime announces me as the door behind me swings shut with a pneumatic _whoosh_. Trying to avoid wrinkling my nose at the zoo smell, I spy a scraggly blond ponytail below a 4 inch bald spot trying to untangle a ball python from his shoulders. Wiping his hands on dirty jeans, he greets me like a fat woman to a tub of ice cream. "Jasper! I knew you'd miss the old place. Just so happens I have a room recently become available. We could hang out like old times." Chuckles like he just can't wait.

"James." He gives me a reproving look but doesn't bother correcting me. Damn straight. Dude keeps telling me his friends call him 'Ace' but I'm not bromantic like that. He never seemed to get the message that the running buddy thing wasn't gonna happen for us. "I'm here on business"

I did some work for James a few years back when he needed to find out who was teaching his macaws to say, "Polly wants a blowjob." Hi-larious as that may sound, those birds are expensive. That job also taught me that James had some pretty creative ways of keeping his costs low when importing his stock. Those stinking macaws had to have health certificates and shit.

"Here for that sugar glider, then? Knew you'd cave eventually."

Ugh. "Can you get me a ferret, James?"

He whips his head around to face me with suspicion, all traces of humor gone. "Is this a trick question? You know they're not legal in California. What makes you think I can get contraband beasties? My business is strictly legit. See for yourself; check my records."

I don't think he could have looked more insulted if I'd called his mother ugly.

I snorted, "Yeah, we both know how dry the ink is on your records. Look, I'm not here to break your balls. When my little niece told me that the only thing she wanted for her birthday was a ferret, I knew you were the man who could make it happen."

Flattery works every time.

"Why didn't you say so instead of trying to give me a heart attack? For you, Jasper, I can make anything happen!"

I give him my broadest smile, "I knew I came to the right place."

'Strictly legit' my chiseled tush.

We retire to his office to work out the details. I assure him that money's not an issue when he starts to outline costs. Seems that there're lots of palms to be greased in this transaction. When I tell him my niece wants to pick out her own pet he starts to backpedal. I finally tell him that I want to inspect his supplier's operation to make sure my sister's family doesn't get the plague or some shit. When I give him a knowing look about not trusting his word regarding health conditions he's suddenly Mr. Motivated all over again.

James promises me that he'll call me after he 'talks to a guy'.

~ii~

I catch some lunch after leaving James, it being too early to visit Eddie's friends. I consider going to the gym but decide there's no time for that. The thought makes me grumpy. I work hard to make this body the temple that it is.

It's 12:45 P.M. and I'm having flashbacks to my college years. What I can remember of them, anyway.

It's been nearly 4 hours since I spoke with Alice.

40 hours since Eddie was last seen.

Alice told me that her brother works in the Reproductive Research lab here at UC San Diego. I doubt that I'll need a PhD to find a connection to my investigation here.

Stopping at the administrative office for directions to the research lab, I stifle a snicker as their Admin points out the two boys in question. If I had put an ad on Craigslist for 'college geeks' I would have immediately rejected these two as too stereotypical. Both had the bad haircuts, Hanes T-shirts and too-stiff jeans required for Revenge of the Nerds poster boys.

"Heidi out there said you could tell me about your research. So, what do you two do here besides watch the rats hump?"

Maybe it's just me but watching overachieving kids do a spit-take never gets old.

One kid starts spraying his Red Bull like a tagger before I have finished my question.

"Nah, that shit gets old by the second day." Thing One gives me an appraising look then turns to his friend, "Bet you absorb the caffeine faster that way, taking it up the nose."

Thing Two doesn't seem to find this information comforting.

"Aw, Dude, that's disgusting!" he coughs, wiping his nose and mouth on a sleeve.

"Sorry to startle you boys. I'm Jasper Whitlock, Private Investigator."

My extended hand, or maybe it's my statement, generates a stare from both boys; one with a tight jaw and defiant eyes, the other with what looks to be escalating panic.

Seating myself on the edge of a table, I shake my head and tsk at them. "See, this is where you two shake my hand and introduce yourselves. Go ahead; you don't want your Mom to feel like a failure 'cause you're this old and don't have any manners. You know Moms have a sixth sense when it comes to party fouls. Watch, your cell's gonna go off any minute."

Thing Two, still looking like a bunny caught by a Maglite, actually shoves his hand in his pocket.

"I'm Paul. Is there something we can help you with?" Thing One/Paul makes it clear that helpful is not precisely what he's feeling right now.

"You were going to tell me about your research?" I coaxed.

"You were going to tell me who you are?"

"Jasper Whitlock, but I think I said that. Eddie Masen's family hired me to see what I can find out about his disappearance."

"Eddie really is missing?" Thing Two either has a squeaky voice or he's not getting enough oxygen.

Paul throws him a STFU glare before returning his eyes contemptuously to me. "We're comparing the rates of DNA fragmentation in zygotes created by ICSI to that produced by spontaneous fertilization."

"Intracytoplasmic sperm injection" interjects Thing Two, who still hasn't introduced himself.

I nod my understanding as Paul continues, "And this is Seth."

Seth manages a little wave.

Something doesn't add up so I query, "Wasn't that topic covered pretty extensively by Attila Jakab at Yale?"

I'm rewarded by the exact same dumbfounded looks of a few minutes ago.

I shrug self-deprecatingly, "I dabble."

It's no surprise when Paul is the first to recover. "That study only quantified the rate of DNA fragmentation. We're developing selection criteria for individual sperm selection."

_Well, why didn't you just say so?_

"But it's not as if you two are the primary investigators, right? What part do you guys have in this?"

"The part where we clean cages, catalog specimens, feed the animals; I really like that part…" Seth is apparently eager to list their duties in detail.

I doubt I have enough time this week to let him continue. "So, simply stated, ya'll have access to a ton of animal spunk."

Seth giggles loudly, "Ew, It's everywhere! You'd think, considering their size, ya know? we'd have to keep a bunch of them to have a decent supply but when they blow a load they _really_…."

Another pointed look from Paul and Seth's mouth swings closed like a spring. "Seth loves chatting about our work with anyone who'll listen but we have things to do. You said something about Eddie being missing?" His heavy brow furrows but his voice doesn't communicate the same concern.

"Yes, indeed." Now that they know I can talk the talk it's time to get down to it. "When was the last time either of you saw him?"

Paul seems to consider this but something about his eyes piques my notice. "Well… we all worked Tuesday afternoon but I left at 4:30. Seth's his roommate, though."

We both turn to regard Seth, who looks like he's ready to bolt again.

"Yeah," his head bobs vigorously, "We were all here on Tuesday."

"Tuesday, got it. His family saw him Tuesday, too. Has he been home since? Do you know where he might be?"

His voice squeaks higher than one of the mice.

"Which one? I mean, which question do you want me to answer," he wipes his now sweaty forehead with the Red Bull stained sleeve, "first."

"I'll let you pick." I'm wishing they'd let me smoke here 'cause it would be so wrong to laugh at this boy.

"Ok, …well," another brief swipe at his forehead. Seth is clearly not used to lying. "I don't _think _he's been home. I mean, I'm not sure that he _hasn't_ been home. I just don't _think_ he has. That's not really so unusual, though. Sometimes he studies in the library overnight so he's not tempted to raid instead."

My face must be hollering 'confused' because he continues rapidly, "WoW…World of Warcraft? He has this 57th level Knight Elf with some fuckall healing spells. You combine that with his attack XP and our guild..."

Maybe I can simply hold a cigar and pretend to smoke. He's giving me everything but what I want.

Raising a hand to halt his tangent, I wonder, "Isn't two days a long time to be in the library?"

"I was hoping maybe he'd hooked up with a girl," he blurts, turning scarlet.

"Does he have a girlfriend?" I stifle a sigh, hoping we're finally getting somewhere.

"No….."

"What about ex-girlfriends? Do you know anyone he's interested in?"

"Umm, no and no." When I throw up my hands in exasperation he continues defensively, "Hey, a guy can hope. Look, Eddie's a really great person. I tell him all the time that he just needs to speak up a little more, make himself more available, maybe join a club…"

Paul's starting to seriously piss me off with his interruptions by now. Not because he needs to let Seth continue blathering but because Paul isn't interrupting to be helpful.

"Would you look at the time? Seth, I'm sure Mr. Whitlock has plenty of other people to talk to and we" he grabs Seth by the crook of the arm, looking as if he'll drag him away if he has to, "have poop to scoop."

I hand them each a business card with instructions to call me if they think of anything else. I'm nearly to the door before I turn to ask, "What kinds of animals did you say you're studying here?"

"Gosh...we didn't! We have…hmmm, you've seen the rats…plus there're monkeys, rabbits and ferrets. Most of the important mammal grou….ow!"

I can't be sure, 'cause I didn't see it, but I'd swear that Seth just took a hard blow to the ankle.

I don't make it to my car before my cell vibrates.

"Hey, it's Seth. Meet me at the back of the Fine Arts building in 30 minutes."

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

~iii~

Exactly 30 minutes later I'm standing at the far end of a lightly crowded gallery corridor. I make a mental note to thank Seth for giving me a chance to appreciate the outstanding UCSD student body.

2:30 P.M.

It's been 42 hours now since Eddie went missing.

Feeling a movement to my left, I turn to see Seth facing away from me, pretending to be engrossed in a misshapen piece of plastic and McDonald's wrappers that's somebody's demented idea of art. I wait for him to speak first. He called this meeting.

"Pssst, Mr. Whitlock," he whispers out of the side of his mouth.

"I'm right here, Seth."

"I'm worried about Eddie." He's still trying to pretend we're not speaking to each other.

"We're all worried; he's been gone a long time already. You're a good friend to want to help."

"I won't be that good a friend if I disappear, too. "

I turn quickly to search his face. "What are you boys up to, Seth." My manner neither questions nor requests, a growling demand for information.

He's stealing glances to both sides of us, his back ramrod straight, shoulders picket fence stiff.

_Kid's taking this cloak and dagger stuff way too seriously. _

"Shhhhhh! Keep your voice down!" Sweat has started to collect along his hairline.

My patience, never in great abundance, is completely spent. I snap more harshly than intended, "Cut the crap, Seth. Your friend's situation gets worse with every minute that passes and the time for games is past. You need to man up, spill what you know, and spill it now."

He's fretting with the edges of his pockets. "It's bad."

"I got that feeling." Deciding that he needs a nudge, I probe, "Tell me about the ferrets."

I've seldom seen brown skin blanch so profoundly. "It was Paul's idea."

"Another surprise."

"I don't think Paul knew this was going to happen. I know he comes off like a tool but he's really not a bad guy." Seth's eyes are a somber plea for understanding. I start to feel bad for this poor kid who seems to believe there's good inside everybody. "Paul's afraid that telling you too much will only end up hurting Eddie worse."

My opinion of Paul is not as generous as Seth's.

He finally groans a strangled torrent of sound, "Eddie and I just wanted to be able to pay for school. Maybe have a little spending money, too? We thought maybe we could do all that and help little children have adorably fuzzy pets. That's win-win, right?"

"Until somebody gets hurt."

~iv~

I try to convince Seth to follow me to someplace he can talk more comfortably. He says he needs to get back before Paul misses him. Something tells me that Paul misses very little. For that matter, I wonder how Paul could possibly fail to notice what a mess Seth is right now. If today is any indication, though, he might be like this all the time.

4:00 P.M

Nearly 7 hours since I spoke with Alice.

Eddie has been missing for 44 hours now.

I glance again at the address Seth has given me, trying to gauge how much longer my drive will take.

_Seth hands me a grease stained napkin containing an address. "I found this in Paul's backpack after you left. All I know for sure is the guy's name is Eleazar or something like that but I've never been to this place and I've only seen him once. Paul set up this connection and he's the one who made all the deliveries."_

"_What do you think happened? Why Eddie suddenly disappeared?"_

"_He was just acting funny. Kept telling me that the numbers didn't make any sense. Finally, day before yesterday, he told me he'd been calculating how many shipments we'd made and their statistical outcomes. Eddie's real analytical like that. Me? Give me hard science any day: all I need are cytology slides and a microscope and I'm a happy man. Sometimes I go home with blue fingertips 'cause I get so preoccupied mounting slides...."_

_Hands on both shoulders, I shake him gently but the kid doesn't seem to notice. "Focus, Seth. Eddie's analysis?" _

"_Oh, right. He said, even if you assumed the worst case fertility outcomes, we had already delivered enough jizz to put 2 ferrets in every home in California. Something else had to be going on."_

_Suddenly, the world got a tiny bit darker but I didn't have time to speculate. "Spell it out for me like I'm stupid, will ya? What are you talking about?"_

"_Our little swimmers weren't just giving anklebiters alternative pets. I think Eddie figured out what else they were being used for."_

"_And what would that be?"_

"_I wish I knew."_

I drive past the address twice, once from each direction so as not to raise any suspicion.

My eyes roll as my cell vibrates against my chest, making me wonder if Seth has thought of something else. To my surprise, the caller ID indicates James.

"Jasper, my man! You're in luck! I talked to my guy who talked to another guy and –BAM- we can get your precious niecey a date tomorrow morning with some of the sweetest ferrets you'll ever lay eyes on. Did I say you could count on me or what?"

I pull the car to the curb, parking a block away from my destination. I'm too distracted to stroke James' ego right now but I force saccharine enthusiasm into my tone.

"What a guy! I knew you'd come through for me! Little Jessie is going to be so excited."

He chuckles with satisfaction and gives me an address and time to meet him the next morning. While writing the address, I mentally tag this meeting as 'worst case scenario number one'. Hopefully, I'll have Eddie back sooner than that.

See, I don't have a niece or a sister. I wince at the thought of trying to find a broad willing to let me borrow her kid to call me Uncle Jasper for a few hours.

Pushing those thoughts aside, I focus again on the two addresses in my hand, flabbergasted to see that they're the same: 5323 El Cerrito and 5323 El Cerrito. Botanica Montoya. I imagine and reject a shload of possible connections between jizz and herbal remedies.

I walk in to the building oozing warmth and personality. "Hi, I'm looking for Eleazar?" I give the man striding toward me my most ingratiating smile.

"I am he. _Como puedo ayude_? How can I help you?"

"Are you Mr. Montoya?"

"No, that would be my brother-in-law, Iñigo."

I turn away and pretend to cough in an effort not to laugh in the man's face. Recovering my composure, I inquire politely, "Your bother-in-law is Iñigo Montoya?"

"He is. Do you know him?" He has a heavy barrio accent that I haven't noticed before now.

"No, no I don't…it's just…_Iñigo Montoya_. Never mind." I wipe moisture from my eyes, trying to regain control.

He crosses his arms, giving me some definite attitude.

"You don't think I know what you're dying to say? You wanna say, 'Hello. My name is Iñigo Montoya. You kill my father. Prepare to die', right? Pfft. Like we haven't heard that before. In our country Iñigo is a proud name. A man's name. Here, he gets no respect and everyone makes a joke of him."

I must need serious work on my poker face because he abruptly starts laughing so hard he grabs his side as if he's pulled a muscle. Then he hooks a finger in his cheek to mimic a fish caught on a lure.

"Phew! That never gets old. And you fell right into it! You looked like you were going to offer me money not to cut you." He's still chuckling softly as he continues, the barriospeak completely gone now. "Seriously though? Senor Montoya's name is Tomas. I hope you'll forgive me; things are so slow around here I have to make my own fun."

Fucker. I reach into my back pocket for my wallet, shaking my head.

"Where are my manners? I haven't introduced myself yet. I'm Agent Whitlock with the INS. We got an anonymous tip…"

Now it's his turn to sputter. "Hey, no offense or anything. Just trying to have a d, few laughs, right? Everyone here has a green card. Whoever gave you that nosey-ass tip was lying to cause trouble."

Time for my million dollar smile as I finish retrieving my wallet. "Punk'd! Thought I'd give you one of my personal favorites, seeing as how you're such a big joke fan. It is so cool that we have that in common."

Handing him the picture Alice gave me I continue, "I really am Jasper Whitlock but I'm here investigating the disappearance of a local college student. Have you seen this kid anywhere?"

I'm taking a huge gamble here but I'm starting to get the feeling that I need to find Eddie soonish. Other than the moronic jokes , this guy doesn't give me the dangerous vibe. I've decided to get straight to the point and see where it leads me.

He hands back the picture, not meeting my eyes. "No, I don't think so. He doesn't look familiar."

I'm used to people lying to me, in my line of work, so I'm suspicious of everyone already. They all seem to be making my job easy today, though.

"Fine, don't tell me. Let's try this one instead: what connection does your store have with ferrets?"

His eyes are wide, his pupils dilating quick as a wink. He takes an involuntary step backwards, muttering, "Ferrets? Like, the adorably fuzzy pets?"

I hesitate a moment to repeat my mantra: _insulting witnesses is counterproductive, insulting witnesses is counterproductive._

"You got it. Fuzzy. Adorable. Now, tell me why would my pet store friend tell me I can get a ferret here?"

His eyes honestly start to bug while the rest of his face contorts. Looks like he's trying to make a decision and finding it painful.

He exhales a forceful mixture of sigh and groan, apparently unhappy with whatever decision he's reached.

"All I ever wanted was a job where I could take care of my family, put food on the table, maybe have a plasma TV. Is that so damn much to ask? Noooo, I have the bad luck to fall in love with a beautiful woman who has a prick for a brother. So I've got the job, the family, the TV but I've also got this _pendejo_ who thinks letting me marry his sister makes me his bitch! I'm done with this. If I have to pack up Carmen and the boys and move them to effing Montana, fine. I always wanted to open a smoothie shop…"

If I were a more patient man, and that's a Dallas-sized if, I'd let him talk until he got to his point. I make a mental note to try putting Seth in a room with this guy just to see who'll talk the longest.

"Whoa, Eleazar, dude! Don't pack the van yet. What do your domestic problems have to do with ferrets and my missing kid?"

"Anything for a buck, that's him. I don't even ask what he does with that stinking stuff those kids bring me; I don't want to know. I just do what I'm told. Take what they bring, store it in the fridge, pay them, mind my own bidness. But I'm not going to jail. Family or no family."

Eleazar looks dangerously close to a panic attack and he hasn't told me anything useful yet. "Hey, nobody said anything about jail. You tell me what you know, help me find this boy, and nobody has to know you were involved."

He's wary but seems to be thinking 'in for a penny, in for a pound'. Or however they say that in Spanish.

"Ok, here's the deal. Until a few days ago, I didn't know there was anybody but this Paul kid involved with Tomas. He was the only one making deliveries and we always met somewhere else, never here. So, out of nowhere, in comes this kid," indicating the photo still in my hands, "asking for me by name. I'm a little freaked but he's got the stuff and tells me Paul couldn't make it before I even had a chance to ask. I figure, whatever. I'm minding my own bidness, right? Then, Monday, I come in to work and Paul's here, arguing with Tomas. I couldn't hear much but Tomas sounded pissed. He's one scary-assed _cabron _when he's mad, too. The only thing I heard clearly was Tomas telling Paul to 'fix it' or he would."

This is the very thing that's been worrying me since 9:00 A.M. The thing I've been hoping, without much faith, wasn't happening.

"Are you telling me that Tomas is scary enough to kill a kid?"

Eleazar shrugs, his eyes stoically blank.

"I don't know. Probably, but I don't know how deep this goes. I can tell you I wouldn't want to be somebody messing with his cash flow."

I rub my eyes, trying to think.

"This doesn't make sense. Obviously your brother-in-law is up to something shady enough that he needs it to stay quiet but, what? What about ferret spunk is so goddamn special that it's worth making someone disappear?"

Eleazar is suddenly the voice of reason.

"Does it matter? So we find out he's been adding jizz to the concoctions he sells the _curanderos_? They don't care and the FDA'd shit a brick if they got a look at our products anyway. The way I know Tomas, though, that's not where he's making his money. He's had some even scarier _vatos_ with tats like _la M_ in here but, you know, I'm minding my own bidness. He's also gotten calls from dudes with Russian accents or some shit a couple of times. But does knowing all that get your kid back?"

His reasoning smacks me between the eyes like the Coyote in a Roadrunner cartoon. He's right, of course. I'm not the police. My job is to find Eddie, sooner rather than later.

As if on cue, the cell vibrates again. This time it _is _Seth.

"Hey, Seth. What ya got for me?"

He sounds spooked, ready to lose whatever thin control he has to begin with.

"Mr. Whitlock, Paul freaked about something and it looks like he's buying plane tickets. He's not even trying to hide shit any more; he didn't even clear the history on the desktop. He just left and I'm going to his house to head him off. I thought you'd want to know."

Fucking kid's heart's too big for his own good. I force myself to use a reasonable voice.

"You did a good thing by calling me, Seth. Give me Paul's address; I'm on my way. Listen carefully, though, 'cause you won't do Eddie any favors by getting yourself hurt."

I'm trying hard not to say 'killed'.

I hear Seth take a deep breath as I continue, "You need to promise me NOT to go inside Paul's place until I get there. You got that? Keep him from leaving but wait for me to go in."

"Ok, whatever, but we need to do it now. I've never seen Paul like this and I don't know what he'll do." His voice is strained with effort as if he's running.

"That's fine, I'm leaving right now. One more thing: print whatever you can about the tickets he booked and bring it with you. Can you take care of that for me?"

I write down the address Seth gives me as I head for the door.

Hesitating at the threshold, I pause just long enough to reassure Eleazar. "Looks like no one needs to know I was here. I appreciate your help, though."

"_de nada_, bro. Selling smoothies is looking better and better."

~v~

I call the police en route to Paul's.

Of course, San Diego traffic makes a 20 minute drive into 45.

6:00 P.M.

9 hours since Alice sat in my office.

46 hours missing.

Detective Emmett McCarty and I go way back. He's giving me his wise-ass grin as I arrive to flashing lights and two police cruisers. Paul's front door is wide open.

Emmett leans into my open window, already laughing.

"What took you so long? You missed all the fun; we've already got the little shit cuffed and Mirandized."

"You look happy as a dog with two tails, Detective. What'd you do to make you smile like this?"

"I knocked on his door, asked 'Have you heard the Word of God today' and proceeded to barge right in. That's when your little friend shows up and start's rushing through the place yelling, 'Eddie' like he's in a revival of _Streetcar_ or something. I haven't had this much fun in months."

He's pretty damned pleased with himself.

I'm annoyed that I did all this work just to miss all the action.

"You found Eddie?" By this time I'm out of the car and headed to the sidewalk.

"Oh, yeah. Stanley Kowalski there found him bound and gagged in a closet. He's a little sore from the ordeal but he'll bounce back. Perked right up once his sister got here."

Alice is here already?

I mutter my thanks to Emmett and push off toward the apartment door. The apartment is bright like every light in the place has been turned on.

Seth spots me first. "Mr. Whitlock, we found him! Eddie, this is the guy I was telling you about."

Eddie looks just like his picture and nothing like his sister. Recessive genes, maybe.

His face is scored by exhaustion but his eyes are moist like he's been working at holding back tears. Damn I hate to see men cry. Even when they're young and look like they're the sensitive type anyway.

He grabs my hand. "I am so grateful for everything you've done for me and my family today."

"Just doing my job, kid. I can trust you to stay out of trouble from now on, right?"

He nods vigorously, the picture of earnestness in every bit of his body language.

"Yes, sir. From now on, we're paying tuition the old-fashioned way: student loans."

Alice steps around him to place her hand on my arm. Her hand burns through my shirt and up the length of my arm. In less than a second her touch affects both of my brains (the big one and the little one) like fast-acting venom.

My blithering mind fails me completely. I'm afraid I feel drool trickling down my chin.

I focus long enough to notice how much smaller she is than me. She's smiling through her lashes and I see a hint of hot pink lace flanking her cleavage.

Hot pink and lace. Two of my favorite things.

"We really are grateful, Mr. Whitlock. Aside from your payment, if you can think of anything else we do to say thank you…"

Her smile tells me she knows she doesn't have to finish her sentence. That she knows exactly what she's doing.

I squeeze her hand and turn to escort her from the apartment. "I'll have to give that some serious thought. Didn't you say you work in lingerie?"

Something tells me this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N – It became quickly apparent while writing the one-shot that I had too much story in mind for a one-shot. I made adjustments to my story line and life went one. After the story was posted for the LJ contest I finally wised up and realized **_**I could write more chapters**_**. Chapter 2 will be up in the next couple of days.**

**Definitions and References:**

**Lauren Bacall/"You know how to whistle…"** – _To Have and Have Not, (1944)_ – the birth of the noir blonde bombshell.

**Ace Ventura, Pet Detective (1994)** – The gold standard of detective parodies.

**Revenge of the Nerds (1984)** – Very funny movie with lots of young boys who grew up to be big TV stars.

**ICSA and Atilla Jakab** – This guy is doing astounding work to decrease side effects of in vitro fertilization. .org/article/S0015-0282(05)03327-3/abstract. PM me if you want to discuss this.

**Botanica –** A shop that sells herbs, charms and other religious or spiritual items.

**Como puedo ayude** – How can I help (you). – Spanish

**Inigo Montoya** – that whole schtick is from The Princess Bride (1987)

**INS** – (for the foreign readers) Immigration and Naturalization Service

**pendejo** – insult with various translations including _idiot_ and _asshole_. - Spanish

**cabron** – also has many translations but usually means _bastard_. - Spanish

**curanderos** – herbalist or other healer without a medical license. - Spanish

**la M** – Mexican Mafia

**Have You Heard the Word of God Today?** - Cheech & Chong's Wedding Album (1974) – prevented me from disparaging any religious group

**Streetcar – Streetcar Named Desire** – Tennessee Williams play, Elia Kazan film (1951)

**Stanley Kowalski** – Marlon Brando's role in the film listed above.

"**This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."** – Casablanca (1942)


	2. Enchanted

**Thanks go out to my naughty library friend for inspiring the ferret humor. She's funny and wry and makes me laugh until I hurt.**

**SMeyer owns all things Twilight.**

___________________________________________________________________________

Jasper

My next couple weeks were filled with Alice.

I'd like to be able to say the next couple weeks were spent _filling _Alice but that would only be wishful thinking. Alice is possibly the world's biggest tease. Given her behavior at Paul's apartment, though, that should come as no surprise.

The wicked girl had me by the short hairs and was in complete control over the pace of our relationship.

Who knew that I'd love the shit out of that?

She would work me up like the world was ending only to hold back at the last minute. And I just went along with it all, as if I didn't know any better.

She turned me so inside out I barely recognized myself.

The old Jasper would have tossed her out on her ass, hired a hooker, _pronto_, and forgotten Alice like yesterday's headlines. Turns out the new Jasper is a six-foot-three fluffy kitten.

Last night, for example. We were at my house (yes, I own a house!) where I was trying to impress her with what I do best.

Things had started out casually as we shared the details of our day. Alice regaled me with stories of camisoles and garters while sitting on my lap, absent- mindedly stroking my scruffy, five-o'clock shadow as she spoke. She had demurely asked if I minded her sitting there, explaining that it was easier on her neck; she wouldn't have to look up so far to talk to me. As if I needed an excuse to have her on my lap.

Old Jasper would have invited her to sit on his face.

"You were telling me about your new inventory?" I prompted, entranced by both her story and the soothing effect of her voice, brushing my fingers lazily along her spine.

"Jasper, these bras are sinful, the epitome of the ultimate brassiere. They have this epically subtle support from a thin underwire that's so comfortable you can barely feel it against your skin. The lift it gives is phenomenal, too; almost a half cup size from the lift alone. On top of all that you have the softest microfiber I've ever felt. I swear it made my girls snap to attention the minute I tried one on. Oooh, and the colors! Not just your normal beige and black but 5 sizzling, hot colors for summer. They're so decadently pretty you could wear them without a blouse."

Alice knows I love it when she talks lingerie.

Between the hot circles her fingers were massaging into my jaw and her expert storytelling, I found myself squirming in my seat, struggling to make a few discreet adjustments. Out of pure joy, mind you.

Then my hormones spawned a mischievous thought.

"Did you, hmm, happen to bring a sample home?" My hand meandered upward to outline the strap cleaving her back beneath her blouse.

"Uh-huh" She peered upward, favoring me with that smoldering, through-the-lashes look she does so well.

My cock went pitter-pat.

"So? You're keeping me waiting, woman." I grinned, trying my best to keep things light, to not let on how hard it was to think when your oxygen flow had been halted at the groin.

"Well…" She popped the top button on her blouse with a little flourish. Her voice assumed a sultry tone as she continued, "you'll need to work for the rest."

Rawr.

Accepting her challenge with a quirked brow, I rubbed my palms together to warm my hands. Alice began to giggle, apparently taking my gesture as playfulness. I didn't correct her.

Alice's eyes fluttered closed as my fingertip traced the soft underside of her jaw, trailing the gentle curve to her neck, appreciating each of her erotic arcs in turn. Her sealed lids left me boundlessly lonely. My free hand brushed delicately against her cheek, prompting her eyes to reopen.

"There you are. Stay here. I like having you here with me." I said this softly. Somehow, it seemed like the time for soft words.

A frightening pressure in my chest had me abruptly wondering if my chile rellanos lunch had brought on heartburn. Then I realized that this uncomfortable feeling was a swell of emotion, not gastric fluid. My chest ached at the emotions which had rewarded my words. Alice was not only promising to remain in the moment, she was promising to embrace the moment as well.

After skimming my lips briefly against hers, my finger resumed its slow descent. My eyes were conflicted, warring between following my finger and immersing themselves in the glory of Alice's eyes. Her eyes were the warm blue of summer afternoons, two robin's eggs cradled by feathery lash. As my fingertip teased the minute gap she had opened in her shirt, her lips parted with a sweet pant of air. Her chest rose to greet my exploring digit, retreating shyly, then rising to welcome my finger once more, repeating this process again and again. My finger dipped inside her blouse, gently massaging before liberating button two. I smirked as she swallowed loudly, apparently responding to the prolonged anticipation.

Somewhere along the way I started to hum. Maybe the vibrations that were rocking all over my body had caused my lips to pulse together but I couldn't have cared less why. I was completely focused on the task, _ahem,_ at hand

Alice's chin rose in solemn consent as I made quick work of the remaining buttons. Using both hands, I stroked soft paths upward from her sweet swell to her splendid collarbone, skimming fingertips along both sides to the top of her shoulders. Gathering the blouse still draped upon her shoulders in both hands, I admired the soft material between my fingers.

"This is satin?" I queried.

"Charmeuse. It's close."

"It feels like sackcloth compared to the luxury of your skin."

Her breath hitched as the hands grasping her blouse removed it reverently from her shoulders, my fingers relinquishing the fabric to trace the smooth skin of her arms. Tracking backward across the same trail, they paid homage again to the warm, luxurious expanse of her skin.

Having been completely entranced by the touch and sight of her flawless skin, I realized that I had completely ignored the garment I had been tasked to inspect. Turning my attention back to her chest, it was my turn for sharp, shuddered breathing.

Alice reclined against my sofa, satin (whatever) blouse draped bewitchingly across her elbows, regarding me with trusting eyes. To describe the sight lain out before me as breathtaking falls criminally short of sufficient. She was nothing short of glorious as her breath, elevated by my teasing, tossed the shiny aqua lingerie up and down.

It only bothered me for a moment that I had described 'blue' as 'aqua'.

Even covered in cloth, Alice's breasts were beautiful. Completely out of character, I took several charged minutes to simply marvel at her beauty. Her breasts were smallish, but anything larger would have been out of proportion with her frame. The bra accentuated their fullness, creating a soft rise as it formed, as Alice informed me, a décolletage of ribbon. I was honestly struck dumb, something I'm proud to report I've rarely encountered. All of my prior experience with women evaporated in that moment, my mind now a frighteningly blank slate. All of the game I'd work so hard for so long to perfect was instantly irrelevant.

I was horrified and fascinated at the same time.

I hadn't noticed that my eyes had been roaming her body with the thirst of a drowning man until I re-established her gaze. Alice's eyes were full to capacity, tasked with constraining her escalating emotions.

"You make me feel beautiful." Her voice was a thick whisper nearly obscured by the feeling it carried.

"You should always feel beautiful. You are undeniably beautiful."

Did I shut down like an emotional cripple and run from the tenderness and desire reflected in her eyes? From the knowledgeable look that seemed to mine the depths of my dingy grey soul?

No, I did not.

My hands reached to cradle her breasts, returning her tenderness by kneading the pliant warmth confined by microfiber and lace, hoping that my touch communicated anything my words had omitted. I felt oddly proud of myself.

I was relieved to see that the bra featured the greatest design detail ever invented by the garment industry: the front clasp.

This I remembered how to do.

A brisk _snap_ later and her last line of defense was breached. My lips inched toward her jaw as my hands peeled aside the satiny layer, reveling in the breathtaking softness. Someone moaned very faintly, maybe it was me, as she arched her back to press her breasts in offering to my eager hands. My lips nipped along the column of her neck before my nose blazed a path from chin to ear, pausing to take her earlobe gently between my teeth at the terminus of each pass. It was then that I noticed I was panting.

Heavy petting, with barely a kiss thrown in, and I'm panting like a schoolboy.

She was utterly enchanting and I started to believe that eternity with her would never be enough.

We continued to whisper and explore for who knows how long. Finally, Alice pushed away from me with a throaty chuckle.

"Okay, big guy, we'd better call it a night before I get completely out of control." Her eyes were shining and wild and I barely suppressed a groan.

"But I haven't even introduced you to Big Guy yet."

Alice smacked my shoulder affectionately before refastening her bra. "We'll have other opportunities." Her eyes sealed her promise.

Fluffy kitten Jasper didn't even put up a fight. Instead, I flopped against the sofa, fighting the good fight to regulate my ragged breathing.

Alice flashed affectionate, captivating smiles as she finished dressing. I emerged from my hormone haze to marvel at how little conversation we had needed to establish such a strong connection.

It was suddenly important to me to assure her that she was special, to make a declaration of some sort. I absently worried that I had lost the grip on my sanity or something; I barely recognized the person I was with her.

Taking her by the hand, I caressed her palm with my fingers, pulling her gently to sit next to me again on the sofa. Framing her face in my hands, I stared into her eyes, wondering what to say. _Better to rip off the band-aid._

I blurted out, "Alice, I don't want to wait until the Friday to see you. Now, I know we've only been together a short while but you've brought out things in me that I thought died a long time ago. In fact, I feel like someone who has been asleep his entire life and has woken up to a whole new world…"

"You mean, like Rumplestiltsken?"

Dammit, I was being serious here and the girl was making fun of me.

"No, I think it was Rip Van Winkle but that's not important. What I'm trying to tell you is that …I haven't been a relationship kind of guy before now. In fact, I've been alone for a pretty long time now, but I'm not just toying with you, either. I have serious intentions toward you." I paused to consider her reaction, searching her face, her eyes, her lips for their verdict to my proclamation. "I just thought you should know."

_Christ, this girl brings out the blithering idiot in me._

"I like being with you, too, Jasper. It's hard for me to believe it's only been a couple of weeks also. I feel like you're someone I've been waiting my whole life for. And I'm glad you had your say." She stood, crossing the room to retrieve her shoes, chuckling coyly before finishing her thought, "It's good to know that the man I can't seem to get enough of has honorable intentions."

_Ah, maybe she's hiding her nervousness behind humor._

_I know a little bit about that_.

Crossing to meet her in two long strides, I pulled her toward me again, caressing her arms from elbow to shoulder. "Precious, I didn't say anything about honorable. If we had stayed on that couch a bit longer you would have seen just how dishonorable I am."

She laid her palm on my chest, rising on tiptoes to press a finger to my lips. "Daddy, you're not ready for me yet."

She had been gone for hours before her words hit me fully.

_What the hell was that supposed to mean?_

"_Daddy"?_

~**~

My cell vibrated an annoying shimmy against my chest. Normally, I'm in favor of anything rubbing my nub and I'm not too picky about what. This morning, it reminds me of Alice and missing her is pissing me off.

_Get a hold of yourself, Jasper. It's not like she's even visited nipland yet._

The annoying vibrations continue unabated, increasing my irritation. Tempted to let it roll to voicemail, I force myself to slide the damn thing open.

_That's the only way clients have to talk to you, dipshit. And that's the only way to pay your bills._

I do like being able to pay my bills.

"Hey, Mr. Whitlock! It's me, Seth Clearwater. You know, from UCSD? You found my…."

Irritation trumps manners and I groan into the phone, "I remember, Seth. What's up?"

Recalling Seth's fondness for Red Bull, I wonder how many he's had so far this morning when he answers, "Well, I'm hoping I can do something for you! We made such a great team that day, working together to find Eddie and all, so I figured…"

The thump is loud in my ears and more painful than expected when my forehead hits the desk. This call is much worse than anything I could have imagined. I start fumbling around in the mess before me in hope of finding my cigar box. I wonder distractedly if I could sweet-talk Alice into marching that luscious fanny of hers in here to put some order into my life, starting with my desk. Or maybe I'd just chuck this all to the floor to make room for her _on_ my desk. The thought of her, propped on her elbows below me on my hard surface, head thrown back as she flashes her eyes up at me through those take-me-now eyelashes….

"Yoo-hoo, Mr. Whitlock? You still there?"

I rub my hands across my eyes. God help me, I am.

"Yeah, Seth, listen; I can barely stand my own company most of the time so there's a good reason why I work alone. So that's reason one why you and I are not a going to make a good team. Reason two is that, in order to perform work, you need to have work to perform. In my case, that means clients. Of which I have none at the moment. No clients, no work, no Seth. You're a college boy; I'm sure you can do the math."

It must have been the hour of the morning that made me think he would be that easily discouraged.

"Ohhhh. Well hey; if that's the only problem, we're in business. This university is hella huge; there's bound to be somebody around here who needs to have someone tailed. Is that still the right word? I think I heard that word in those old black and white films… but how do people know you're not talking about hooking up? Tailed makes _me_ think about…"

"Wait; why are you calling me about this, anyway? Don't you already have a job?"

His embarrassment burns through the phone. "Yeah… about that. I _used_ to have a job. When the lab found out what we were doing with the surplus jizz, they fired all three of us. Although, technically, Paul isn't available for work any more, anyway. On top of that, the university told Eddie and me that we'd have to take a semester 'break' while they decide whether we have the academic standing to return."

Poor kid. Too bad none of this is my problem.

He continues like he hasn't taken a breath, "and since it's all pretty much your fault…"

_Whoa, what?_

"In what twisted universe is any of this my fault, Seth?" I growl.

"Because you're the one that found Eddie! Dang, Mr. W, that's straight out of the "_Big Book of Duh_" right there."

_Now_ he's quiet. As if he thinks he's explained everything. "Are you fucking kidding me? Now would be a really good time to start laughing, Seth, because I was not in the best of moods to begin with and things are deteriorating rapidly."

I swear his sigh sounds like he's trying find enough patience to explain multiplication to a sixth grader. "If you had left us alone so that I had been the one who found Eddie instead of you, we could have smoothed this whole thing over and everyone would still be in school and employed."

"Yeah? Do they teach revisionist history at that university now? Because you were doing _such_ a spectacular job of finding Eddie before I came around."

Take that.

_Jesus, now I'm trading snark with kids._

Seth became quiet for several seconds, then sighed heavily. "Look, Mr. W. I like you and I'm sure you're an awesome P.I., but answer this for me: which one of us actually found Eddie, huh?"

Fucking hell, the rotten kid has a point.

I _had_ been at the Botanica when he called to say Paul was on the run. In fact, if I'm being honest, Seth had already found Eddie by the time I showed up at the apartment.

Huh. Maybe I ought to do something to help the kid out.

I'm cheered for a moment by the thought of strong arming Eleazar into giving Seth a job at the Botanica. They'd be good company for each other.

Then I have an even better idea.

"Whatever, Seth. I gotta admit, you did some good work finding Eddie but that doesn't mean that I'm taking responsibility for this job thing. However, being a hell of a guy, I might be able to do something for you. I'll be in touch."

"You're a prince, Mr. W! A prince among men." Dear God, I could hear his grin through the phone as he hung up.

Immediately after disconnecting with Seth I find my cigars. I hope this is not an omen for my day.

I dial the next number before I can second-guess myself. A familiar voice picks up on the second ring.

"Ventura's Pet-O-Rama, where we have a pet to suit every personality."

_Why does everyone have to sound so excessively cheerful today?_

"James, it's Jasper. How would you like to hire a shop helper who already has poop scooping experience?"

______________________________________________________________________________

**A/N – No ferret jokes in this chapter but wanted to give you a tease of smexy times to come. Jokes are fine, but we all know why women read fan fic. The investigation continues in Chapter 3.**


	3. Accusation

Chapter 3

Jasper

James was a good sport about hiring Seth, especially considering I had forgotten to call him to cancel our ferret-viewing trip; it wasn't as if he owed me a favor or anything. His good nature was a huge relief. I can pretty much take care of myself but that does not mean I want to court trouble from the kind of folks James counts as 'friends'.

Several days have passed and I've been feeling pretty satisfied with myself about the way I resolved the whole job fubar for Seth. That being said, just thinking about his partnership suggestion is still enough to provoke me to profanity, though. The kid's plenty likable, that's not the problem. I've always been a solo act and it's too late to teach this old dog new tricks. Besides, I'm certain that the constant chatter would drive me to violence and equally certain he would never be able to dial it back enough to mollify me.

The vibration coming from my desk reminds me that I haven't returned my phone to my pocket. Noting the number as James' I assume he is calling to thank me again for bringing Seth into his life.

Sometimes my imagination only proves how truly oblivious I am.

The force of James' words nearly blasts the phone away from my ear.

"God damn it, Jasper, if you're having issues with our friendship you need to tell me to my face instead of treating me like a bad blind date."

_Oblivious and seriously confused. _

"James," I reply calmly. After all, one of us needs to keep a cool head. "What's got your feathers in a ruffle this morning?"

Chuckling at my own lame joke, I cross the room to examine the coffee pot, killing time while James catches his breath. Still just as broken as yesterday. _Damned cheap electronics_.

"You tell _me_ what!" he sputters, his volume rising like the mercury in August. "What kind of irresponsible child did you talk me into hiring?"

I bite my tongue, allowing the 'talk me into' comment to just slide on by. Instead, I growl in a steel-cold voice, "What'd he do, James?"

"He's gone, that's what! Little shit works for me for a week, jabbering worse than my macaws the whole time he's here, then up and tells me he quits. Quits! Tells me he can't work the hours I expect because it's interfering with his school schedule. What the hell, Jasper?"

Exactly what I want to know. What. The. Hell.

I assure James that this was the last thing I had expected to happen, that Seth seemed like such a stable young man, blah, blah, blah. I have no idea how I manage to calm him down and pry him off the phone but I do. I later recall Seth's name and some choice language taking on several novel combinations.

As I'm scrolling through my recent calls list to find his number, I get an incoming call.

_Speak of the devil and he'll call your cell._

Hissing without fanfare into the phone, I explode, "Seth, if you know what's good for you, you'll start talking now and make it really good. I just got off the phone with your very pissed-off ex-boss."

"Uh, yeah… I had to quit Ventura's but that's not what's really important right now..."

I cut him off with a snarl, "Listen, kid, I'll decide what's important…"

Seth raises his voice and cuts _me_ off by shouting, "The University is accusing Eddie of stealing inventory."

Will you get a load of this? He's talking over** me**?

_Kid's got more nerve than I gave him credit for._

The blood is pounding in my ears with such force that I only hear sound without words. I finally am able to discern 'Eddie', 'accused' and 'stealing'.

Shit. What're the odds? Looking like this Eddie kid must be some kind of magnet for trouble.

"Sucks to be him, huh? Now, what in blue blazes possessed you to…?"

Refusing to be distracted, Seth insists, "Jasper, we've got to do something to help him."

"_We_ don't _have_ to do anything and I keep telling you there is no 'we'. And cut the calling me by my first name crap, huh? Only my friends get do that and my friends don't say thanks for the favor by throwing it back in my face!" _Cigar; lighting a stogie will settle my ass down._ "Where is Eddie now?"

"Uh, I'm with him at the lab. He called me when they started the random questioneric. He's a real mess."

"Listen; tell him to be cooperative but say as little as possible. They're not arresting him or anything, are they?"

"No…nothing like that. Just a few auditors copying hard drives so far. Well? Are you coming down here or what?"

"No! Seth, I'm not. I just started an estate investigation and have people to see today. As if that's not enough, I'm finding myself chin deep in hostility, dealing with an angry man that, until now, I have been taking great care not to piss off. Besides, It sounds like all they're doing down there is gathering evidence and asking questions. Call me back if they start sounding like they're going to charge him with something."

"He told me not to bother you." Seth's tone telegraphs his clear disappointment in me.

_Pfft. No skin off my nose what he thinks._

The surprise is how much this bothers me.

I had barely disconnected with Seth before a second call rings through.

Alice.

"Morning, precious" has barely left my lips before I'm pummeled by the most gut-wrenching sound of my life.

"Jasper…."

I'm out the door in nothing flat.

Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in.

~~**~~

Alice answers the door when I arrive at the boy's apartment. Flinging herself like a cannonball into my arms, I'm nearly knocked off-balance by the force of her sobbing form. Under different circumstance, I'd be making football lineman jokes right about now.

"This is all so horrible, Jasper! I thought this was all behind us. We can't afford a lawyer, what are we going to do? He's always been such a good boy, too! How could he have gotten himself in such awful trouble? This is going to kill our mother. She has always been so proud of him, the first Masen to go to college. We thought he was going to have such a bright future."

Hiding my smirk behind my very real concern, I silently appreciate the lungpower necessary for Alice to have said all of that in one breath

Alice is even more distraught than the first time I met her. Problem is, holding her warm, soft curves so tightly against me is an acute reminder me that my red-blooded male body has a one-track mind. Combine that with the thoughts I was having about her breath control and we have a recipe for bad timing. Trying to put a little space between us to give the Big Guy some air, I walk her backward a few steps while looking desperately for a Kleenex. Eventually I decide a little snot on my shirt isn't going to hurt me.

"I'm so glad you're here." She sighs in contentment against my chest. "I know you'll think of something."

Wow; no pressure there.

Alice looks at me with an air of utterly unshakable confidence. I'm almost horrified that she's depending on me that much.

There's always a first time.

The cavalry - in the form of the boys - chooses that moment to arrive, saving me from the need to address her misplaced hope. At least for now.

Following them into the place, I am immediately surprised at what greets me. The décor is garden-variety college boy with its early-marriage decorating scheme and snarky posters. The clean factor, however, is what's so remarkable. Boys this age, whether at college or on their own, live like pigs nearly all the time and seldom seem to have heard the word 'Clorox'. My mother would have swooped in with a white glove and given this place her stamp of approval. There was not a dust bunny or carpet stain to be found.

It's all I need to convince me of Eddie's innocence, whatever the University's eventual accusations may be. I've been in this business long enough to know that no one this tidy and worried about appearances is a thief. I'd be willing to bet that the person who keeps this place spic and span is too anal retentive to have an overdue library book.

Alice has seated herself in a worn, overstuffed recliner while the boys move about the apartment restlessly. I lodge myself on the arm of Alice's chair, hoping my presence will have a calming effect so she can finally stop crying.

_Yeah, the chair arm is good; near enough to remind me how enticing she smells, just far enough away to keep the Big Guy in check._

Seth settles wordlessly on the couch. Even he is subdued.

Eddie flits from kitchen to bathroom and back to the living area.

After too many minutes spent watching him bounce back and forth like a mechanical duck in a shooting gallery, I break the silence to take charge. I am determined to at least try to live up to Alice's faith in me.

"Okay, Eddie. Start from the beginning and tell me what happened."

By now, Eddie is pacing in the small living area, too agitated to sit down. His hand alternates between raking through his hair compulsively and rubbing the back of his neck. He is the picture dictionary entry for kinetic worry.

_Looks like high-strung when upset runs deep in this family._

Eddie starts speaking right away in a hollow, tight voice, sounding more like he's describing something he witnessed rather than lived through.

"Heidi called to say Dr. King needed to see me right away. I thought maybe I was going to get my job back. I get there and sit down and then these two people I don't even know come in and start asking crazy questions. I couldn't even think straight when they started asking me to identify my laptop, my work area, anything in the lab that belonged to me. It felt like there was a hurricane in my ears, the room got warm and my mouth tasted like the bottom of a garbage can. By the time I snapped out of it, they had stopped looking at me all together and were arguing with each other about how I 'was sure acting guilty'. When I told them I was going to vomit one of them actually followed me into the bathroom. That was when I called Seth and everything else is a blur until he got there."

Seth whistles, perking up a little, "It's a good thing I was just over in the Humanities Building."

I point a finger at Eddie and caution, "Hold that thought."

Then I round on Seth, rising until I stand over him with my best moment-of-truth face, warning, "Now is not the time to continue our discussion from earlier but don't think for a minute that I'm done with you. What were you doing on campus? I thought you told me you were on academic suspension."

Seth looks up at me with a confused frown. "I am."

Making sure he understands how deadly serious I am, I continue, "Then what was this shit you told James about your school schedule?"

Looking immensely relieved, Seth dismisses me with a wave. "Oh, that. I'm auditing two courses so I can challenge them when we get this crap all squared away. Big Book of Duh, Jasper. I have a career at stake here. I can't afford to just not go to school."

Alice breaks in gently, having watched in wide-eyed silence until now. "We were fortunate Seth was on campus today. Eddie needed to know he had somebody on his side in all of this."

Willing to concede that point for the moment, I move on. "Fine, but Seth used to work there, too. Did they have the same questions for you, Seth?"

"No and that was what was so weird. They kind of ignored me as if they weren't interested in me at all. I kept it cool as ice and did some quick thinking, though. I knew it would be big time important for our investigation to have me on the scene like that and I needed to get as much information as I could. The auditors wouldn't talk to me at all but I tried to make sure Heidi was okay so I could keep her talking as long as I could."

I start to correct Seth about the 'our investigation' comment but catch Alice's eye as my mouth swings open. It swings shut so quickly my teeth click.

_Oh, yeah. Faith_

Edward gives Seth a look that can only be described as _testy_. "I'll just bet you were a big comfort."

"Hey, I kept it strictly professional, dude. She was upset and we needed deets. Heidi told me that the Provost's office had called Dr. King yesterday then showed up without warning this morning. She was pretty freaked out about the whole thing."

Unsurprised, I reason, "I would guess so. She probably had to answer some pretty rough questions herself if they were asking questions about inventory."

Seth gives me a confused look, "A few, but mostly she was worried about Eddie."

Now I am surprised. "That doesn't make any sense to me. Wouldn't inventory be an Admin responsibility? What does any of this have to do with you, anyway, Eddie? It almost sounds like they're singling you out."

Eddie groans and collapses like a blown-out tire onto the couch, dropping his head between his knees like he might pass out.

"I managed the inventory." His voice rises from between his knees, a wheezy squeaky version of his normal tenor.

It's Alice's turn now. "Why would you do that? I thought you were a lab assistant."

Eddie just continues to groan, as if he can't force out anything more than sound.

It isn't long before Seth looks like he's going to burst. "Eddie had a hella crush on Heidi from the minute she was hired. He set up a SQL database, thinking if he made life easier for her it would catch her attention plus he'd have something to spark some conversation."

"But she had so much trouble doing simple Boolean queries that I took it over for her." By now, Eddie's voice sounds muffled more by humiliation than nausea.

"So, was she, um, at least grateful?" It's sounding like a case of 'no good deed goes unpunished' to me.

"She baked me some oatmeal cookies. Not exactly what I was hoping for."

Alice picks this time to philosophize, "That's okay, hon. She doesn't deserve you, anyway."

Seth snorts disgustedly, "It probably would have helped if you'd actually asked her out. You can't expect her to be a mind-reader."

"I was getting around to it. I didn't want Heidi to think that I had expectations for her gratitude." Eddie retorts in self-defense.

Praying that he'd give me an answer I could work with, I ask the obvious next question, squinting against the answer, "How long ago did this happen?"

"10 months ago."

"No…it's been at least a year," Seth contradicts immediately.

"I'm certain it's only been 10 months." Eddie's tone is decidedly frosty now. I guess he's recovered somewhat.

"It was a year ago because it was right after Spring Break. You still hadn't done anything about that New Year's resolution you made to start getting out and meeting some ladies. You said you were tired of watching me and Paul dating while you spent your school breaks alone…"

I'm starting to feel a little sorry for Eddie.

While Heckle and Jeckle bicker, I try to add up the facts.

"Do you two have anything else you want to tell me about where the jizz you were selling really went? I need to know that you've told me everything."

Seth and Eddie exchange looks, silently testifying that neither one has anything to hide.

Eddie is the one who answers, his face as earnest and open as a toddler's. "You already know everything we know. Paul grabbed me before I could figure out what the Montoyas would want with all that spunk."

_Jeez, he looks like he's never told a lie in his life._

I begin making a list of all of the people I was going to need to interview. It was getting longer by the minute.

The four of us talk for the next hour or so about the types of inventory housed at the lab, the inventory cycles mandated by the University as well as any other related topic I could get the boys to discuss. About an hour into the discussion, Eddie mentions something that makes me sit up and take notice like a freaking bloodhound.

"Paul helped me with the last quarterly report. He knew enough SQL that I only had to show him how the data was related and he did everything else. Counting, recording and printing. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have such a good friend."

Helluva guy. He was some kind of friend, all right. Speaking to Paul goes straight to the top of my list.

Taking that as my cue to leave, I slap my hands against my thighs.

"Looks like that's where I'm off to next. Eddie, I need you to type out anything that has to do with inventory, your computer systems and anyone who has even had a glimpse at those systems since you've been working there. Do it right now and don't leave anything out. If Seth so much as sneezed on the keyboard one day, I want to see that in your report. Email it to me when you're done."

Seth mumbles a swift excuse about "shit to do" and ducks out the door before I can corner him. I let him go. I can always track him down via cell if necessary.

I walk Alice to her car, having decided that she was going to try to go back to work before meeting Eddie at their Mom's house to bring her up to speed. I say a swift prayer of thanks that my presence will not be required for that meeting.

Seth

I had snapped pretty damn quick that I needed to make myself scarce before Jasper had a chance to corner me. So, as my Botany prof used to say, I hurried to make like a tree and leaf.

Thing is…I don't really have anywhere to go. I'd already had to blow off my classes for the day so I don't have anywhere to be for the rest of the day.

When my stomach does a loud rumba, I figure a snack is in order.

Riding my bike to the 7-Eleven scores me a combo deal of M&M's and Red Bull. Not exactly the grub you'd see a detective in a paperback eating but chocolate and caffeine are going to be nonnegotiable if I am to take on the shitstorm Eddie is in.

Once I've pacified my stomach I feel human again. Patting my belly with a contented sigh, I recognize immediate benefits from the caffeine acuity. I need to train myself to think like a detective. What would Jasper do next?

_Have a cigar?_

_Somehow, I don't think Eddie would want me to expose myself to emphysema and esophageal cancer just to prove my friendship for his scrawny ass. _

Trying to think like Jasper does the trick, though. It's high time I face the thing I've been avoiding all afternoon.

I'm going to need to see my stepsister.

And that means a call to Mom to get her number.

Sure, I could have gone to visit Bella at work but that was not a stellar idea under the current circumstances. My Mom is usually pretty great…but she's going to be totally Mom on the phone and that mess is never quick.

~~**~~

Sure as shit, it takes 30 seconds to get the number and another 25 minutes to finish the call. I know – if I called her more often she wouldn't feel like she needs to give me everything she's got when I do get around to calling. What do they say about good intentions and the road to hell? Yeah…they must have been thinking about me.

Finally, finally I get my text sent:

_Bella, must c u stat. very urgent. 30 min Bean Bar. Seth_

It takes fifteen minutes but at least she comes through.

_You better be buying._

~~**~~

No surprise that I'm at the coffee shop before Bella.

Asking for Bella's number had triggered my Mom's nag reflex so I got the full rant about what a shame it is that we're both at the same university and never talk, that I need to make time for family, that she brought me up better than this…ugh. I totes respect my Mom, though, and I gave her back a mega-dose of "I promise to do better".

It helps that she's right.

Thing is, neither Bella nor I feel that familial thing. Just because our parents decided to make a family does not make me her brother. She's four years older and was leaving for college by the time our folks hooked up, so she wasn't so keen on bonding with the teenage geekboy. It's not as if we despise each other or anything. I guess it's more accurate to say we haven't taken the time to get to know each other.

Up until today that had pretty much worked for both of us.

I remind myself that, seeing as how I just pulled Bella out of work, it would behoove me to be on my best behavior. Inspiration hits; cookies make everything better, right? I add chocolate chip cookies to my mocha order.

Chocolate and caffeine, baby.

Bella walks in just as I find a table, allowing a chance for a quick hug before sitting down.

_Mom would be so proud._

Then she gives me this expectant look when I don't start talking right away.

I don't usually have problems finding what to say.

"Umm, thanks for dropping everything to meet me."

"You said it was important and you've never done that before." She shrugs dismissively. She's trying here, too. "I can't be gone too long, though."

"Phew! Damn, this is hard. Bella, I need a favor and I probably have no right to ask but you're the only one who can help."

She nods her head quietly, her face concentrating on our conversation. It reminds me what a good person she really is. Reminds me why I'm here.

Bella works in the Finance Department at the university. The Internal Audit section of the Finance Department, to be exact.

"Ok, I'll get to the point. It has to do with your job, actually. What do you know about the audit your department just started for my lab?"

Her eyes go wide in surprise as she draws a sharp breath, "I forgot that you work at the Reproductive Lab," then narrow to pinpoints as her anger turns bottle rocket. "I can't talk to you about that. Even worse, I can't believe you pulled me out of work for that!"

Aw, hell…I couldn't have fucked this up worse if I had tried.

Bella thinks I'm trying to use her for information.

Throwing her napkin to the table, she gets in my face, "You've grown a pair of big brass ones, Seth, to ask me to risk my job for you."

Grabbing her arm as she rises to leave earns me an icy light-saber glare that makes me fear for my hand like I'm Luke Skywalker.

"I didn't mean it to sound like that. I wouldn't ask you to do something like that. Just sit down and lower your voice, please?"

She sits with a little huff, obviously still skeptical about my motives. "Okay, so if it's not what I think, tell me. What is it you want exactly?"

"I know I don't have the right to ask you to tell me anything that could get you in trouble." She snorts in agreement, which I pointedly ignore. "My roommate, Eddie Masen, is the guy the University seems to think is behind their missing stuff. I know him like a brother, Bella. Better than I know you and you better believe that I would never believe it for a minute if someone accused you of something as wrong as this."

Taking a sip from her mocha, she gives me a sideways look. "The guys in the office are saying that the lab already fired him for something else and he's lucky they haven't pressed charges for that. What makes you so sure this investigation isn't part of the same mess?"

"Because I was with him every step of the way in the shit that got him fired. Bella, I lost my job, too. But making a stupid, stupid mistake in one area does not make you guilty of everything else automatically."

"Aw, Seth. You're not working any more?"

"Yeah, I am. I can't tell you too much 'cause I don't want to put you in danger or anything but I'm going to start an undercover gig working on Eddie's case tomorrow. My partner was really impressed with how I solved Eddie's kidnapping."

Bella interrupts me, making a stop sign with her palm. "You're going to tell me what happened with the lab job before you say anything else."

When I hesitate, she gives me the eyebrow of judgment. "You asked for this meeting and you want my help. If you're not going to trust me with the whole story, I think we're done here."

Rolling my eyes, I launch into a quick and dirty explanation. "Three of us were selling extra, um, animal body fluid instead of trashing it. The deal went south, Eddie was kidnapped and the guy who did it, who was our 3rd partner, went to jail for it."

Well, that just ratchets the judgment up another notch. "And you don't see any connection between 'selling' and 'stolen'?"

"No. What we were selling was for pets, not profit." I can't take her '_Are you really that naïve_' look so I hurry to add, "Yes, we were making money but the stuff we took was junk, pardon the pun, nobody wanted any more. It's not the same at all."

"Seth, stop trying to make it sound pretty and get to the point. What are you talking about exactly?"

I really didn't want to have this discussion right now. "We were selling ferret…spunk to people we thought were using it for breeding. So you're right, okay? I don't know for sure that this crap is not all connected because I don't know where the stuff missing from the lab went. But I do know Eddie didn't steal anything."

Rolling her head in a circle as if she's trying to work out knots, Bella closes her eyes with a meditative sigh. "God, Seth, this is such a clusterfuck. At the very least, you and your roommate seem to have a very loose definition of 'stealing'."

That only makes me more desperate, "I live and breathe alongside Eddie every day. I know the whole story about why the auditors are looking at him for this and I promise you he's being set up. No doubt stuff has been jacked from our lab, but it wasn't Eddie who did it any more than it was me."

Bella seems to consider this for a minute before searching my eyes thoughtfully. "I guess if I took the time to see you once in a while I'd already know your roomie. So, why did you ask me to tell you what I know?"

I groan, "I didn't think about how you'd take it; I was just trying to bring up the subject and was having a hard enough time. You know how words just spill before my brain can approve 'em."

She gives me an indulgent little smile and I start to think that everything's going to work out. "I just need generics, Bella. Whatever you think you can tell me without causing problems for yourself. If that's nothing, maybe ever, then I can live with that. It will make me feel better to know that Eddie has someone on the inside keeping an eye out for him. I swear to you, there's something dead wrong going on here. I couldn't live with myself without knowing that I've done everything I can to keep my bud from going to jail for something he didn't do."

Bella breaks off a piece of a cookie, seeming to ponder everything I've said so far. I know her well enough to give her room to think. I'm just grateful she's still sitting here.

"Ok, Seth," she looks me full in the face with complete seriousness. "I can't promise you anything and I'm taking you at your word that you don't expect anything, either. I don't think it would be wrong to tell you that it looks like the guys in the office aren't sure what they have yet. It's not as if they tell me all about their investigations, anyway. I don't always know details about the audits they're performing. If I find out something that I think you should know _and_ that I can safely share with you, I'll text you to meet me."

"Got it; don't call you, you'll call me." I'm eager to show her how much I appreciate her help. I stand then, aware that I've kept her too long already.

We hug again and Bella kisses my cheek. Before she reaches the door, Bella turns to face me again.

"Oh, and Seth?"

"Yeah?"

"You know you can call me for other things, too, right?"

My grin must be huge 'cause my cheeks feel stretched tighter than canvas.

"Yeah. I'll keep that in mind."

I promise myself to call her later in the week just to shoot the shit. Checking the time on my cell, I'm pleased to see that it's only 3:30. Plenty of time to get across town to start Phase II of the investigation.


End file.
